But it can get better. I wrote this when I was feeling powerfully vulnerable and I need that today, maybe you do to.
She stands alone, her face tear stained and her long hair in disarray. She faces a monster, one larger and far more powerful than she could ever hope to be. She is not deterred. Her eyes flash with determination and she raises her sword.
Morgan the Happy will survive this fight. She may be alone in this war but that is only because the battle takes place on a field where no one else may go. She is armed with a shield and sword forged from the love and support of those around her and she carries the power of sheer joy in her heart.
Depression the Exhausting, Anxiety the Terrifying, and Anorexia the Liar may be strong, but they cannot defeat her. Some days they may push her back a step or two but she always regains her ground. She is stronger than they are.
One night they almost won. She was crushed beneath the weight of them and it seemed there was no light or love left to save her but Anxiety the Terrifying changed sides long enough to push the others back until dawn could wipe away her tears. Truly, Anxiety the Terrifying was only ever trying to help her. He never understood why she took his warnings with so much pain. He was trying to protect her, to save her from any pain. He never meant to to add to the weight crushing her soul. When he watched her, nearly disappearing into nothingness, he pushed back when she did not have the strength and saved her, for the night.
She was spared that night and chose to fight from then on. She took her mothers courage, her sisters joy, her fathers balance, her brothers optimism, and her grandmothers spirit to this battle. Her cousins resilience, her friends fervor, and her boyfriends light joined her in this war. She was not alone, she was never alone.
Depression the Exhausting strikes first. He pushes apathy onto her.
Why? Why does it matter? Did it ever matter? Does anyone really care about you? Sure, they’d be sad for a bit but wouldn’t they be better off if you were gone?
She strikes back with a resounding,
No. The world is full of magic and wonder and it is better because I am here. I love and am loved. I will not pass on my pain to others.
Depression the Exhausting subsides, but only for a moment.
You are a bother to your family. Your friends. You are a burden.
She, too, strikes back after but a moment.
How dare you. I bring light and love into the universe. To call me a burden to my family and friends is to call the wind a burden to the sea.
She fights with confidence and with acceptance. Her sword is made of the love she has for others and the love they have for her. Depression cannot destroy love. Not today.
Anorexia the Liar takes Depression the Exhausting’s place.
Look into the mirror. You are fat and disgusting and worthless. You can be beautiful if only you stop eating. Food is the enemy anyway, it stands in the way of your happiness.
Anorexia the Liar’s message seems better than that of Depression the Exhausting’s. But it is worse. Anorexia the Liar wants to kill Morgan the Happy, but much slower. Morgan the Happy knows better now and will not be seduced.
No. I am beautiful. I am strong, and powerful, and beautiful. So incredibly beautiful no matter what size I am. Food helps me run and sing and dance. I love those things far more than I love being thin. I want to be stronger and more powerful than I am today. I do not want to be thinner than I am today. I refuse to make that a goal, now or ever.
Anorexia the Liar retreats this time but with a promise to return.
Anxiety the Terrifying and Well-Meaning asks,
But what if you aren’t strong enough tomorrow? What will you do then? How can you possibly hope to beat these things that are so much bigger than you?
Morgan the Happy smiles softly, exhausted from the days battle,
I am not alone. I will never be alone. When I am not strong enough, I have so much help. Fluoxetine offers itself as my crutch whenever Depression the Exhausting is too much, and until I can love the body I am in, the beauty others see in me can push Anorexia the Liar away. One day I will be strong enough to quiet even you, Anxiety the Terrifying and Well-Meaning. Until that day, I rely on the strength of others.
The Life of a Mourning Dove 