I’ve gone almost two years without any really terrible anxiety attacks or depressive spirals (one of my favorite bloggers from Hyperbole and a Half refers to these incidents as ‘sneaky hate spirals’ and I couldn’t agree more) but I’ve been having some setbacks lately. I had a very scary panic attack a week or so ago where I was, quite literally, hyperventilating in a corner on the floor. My hands and eyelids seized and I couldn’t breathe. Those kinds of things are utterly exhausting but they generally induce so much anxiety that I can’t sleep (another example of how much my body hates me) but it’s okay. It would be really cool if every single day I felt a bit less anxious and a bit less depressed and that once I’ve gained some ground, I never lose it. But life doesn’t work that way so I’m trying to make my peace with that.
My boyfriend of a year and a half (nearly) broke up with me a month ago and I still haven’t recovered. My depression/anxiety has been amplified by my suck-y personal circumstances and has turned my coping mechanisms upside down. I went to him for everything and he made my good days amazing and my bad days better. It’s been hard. I don’t think I’ll be completely ‘okay’ for some time but I am surviving. I’m trying to follow my own advice and stay busy and find the good and talk to the people who love me because they’re only trying to help. I have been in a giant, completely awful set back that completely sucks but it’s not the end. I’ll make it out of this cloud eventually and you can too (I would apologize for the very personal turn this took but I feel like you guys are used to it).
The Life of a Mourning Dove 