Body Image

No one seems to know how to talk about this kind of thing in a way that makes sense. I’m tired of incredibly successful, beautiful celebrities telling me it’s okay to be ‘curvy’ or that weight doesn’t define your worth. It almost never feels genuine to me because like, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL AND SUCCESSFUL. CLEARLY WEIGHT ISN’T AN ISSUE BUT I AM JUST NORMAL. And I will never be ‘curvy.’ I have small boobs and no ass to speak of but I can’t care how my body looks because she’s helping me survive. I can’t hate her simply for existing. I have big thighs but they help run, and swim, and dance! And I like doing all of those things so maybe the thighs that I think are too big are actually just right for me to do all the things I love. My feet are big and wide but they help me walk my tall body around and I like being tall. So, thank you big thighs and wide feet. You help me live the life I love and without you, I couldn’t be as happy. Some days I wake up and look at my thighs in the mirror and hate them but that’s okay. Because they exist to help me do things and I may not always remember that but it will always be true.

With that said, I am not a body-positive rockstar. I gained about 30 lbs on birth control and my self-esteem went into the toilet. It was more than I could take so I switched to a weight-neutral birth control. My antidepressants are also weight neutral because I’m still too fragile to be on something that makes me gain weight. And that’s okay. Maybe one day I will be comfortable with my body in every way but that day isn’t today. I’m trying not to view the size on a tag as a value judgement. Instead, I’m grabbing whatever I feel confidant and happy in and calling it a goddamn day. I wear a lot of dresses now because (they’re fabulous) they hide my insecurities in a way that makes me feel beautiful and confidant. I guess the best I can give you on body image is that I have no advice. You’ve got to figure out what makes you feel amazing and keep doing it. I hope that one day I will be completely content with my body but if I don’t I’m coming to terms with that and I hope you can too. I am not an ultra-thin, incredibly successful celebrity and I will never promise that being happy with your body is easy or even essential to living a pretty cool life. I think I live a pretty cool life even though my insecurities hold me back from some stuff – I’m working on it and I’ve got some faith that I’ll figure it out.