Feeling Suicidal is Terrifying

I’m planning to get back to body issues/eating disorder stuff next week but I thought I’d throw this out there.

Feeling suicidal is terrifying and exhausting and it’s really hard to make yourself feel safe again. Even after you’ve started to feel alright again there’s this dread in the back of your mind that maybe, just maybe, that part of you will come back again and you won’t be strong enough. And I was feeling passively suicidal (not a danger to myself or others, just in a really crap-tacular pit of depression) a few weeks ago so I’m finding things to make sure I have something to hold onto just in case.

I planned a dive trip with my dad for this weekend about a couple weeks ago. SCUBA diving will always be one of my favorite things and everything feels okay in Key Largo.

I’m looking into getting an emotional support animal to live with me on campus. This idea is awesome for lots of reasons because, you know, dogs and I will be responsible for another living creature. I’ll have to take care of myself so I can take care of my theoretical dog and even if I don’t get one, looking at pictures of dogs online makes me so happy oh my god.

I have maybe getting a dog and going diving to look forward to and hold onto in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep and the darkness feels too heavy. I’m feeling better so I’m protecting my maybe less strong future self.