Eating Disorder

I wrote this a while ago when I wasn’t as far along in my recovery as I am now.

I can tell you how to gain just enough weight back before a doctors appointment to not be suspicious. I can tell you how to lie to your friends and family about when and what you’ve eaten. I can tell you how much you need to exercise to work what you just ate off. I can tell you how to quiet the voices in your head that wonder if maybe, just maybe you’re taking weight loss too far. I can tell you how to kill yourself so you feel thin and in control. But I can’t tell you how to be happy with your body no matter how much you weigh. Lowest and highest weights, I’ve looked at my body exactly the same way. Disgusting. Not strong, not beautiful, but fat and ugly. I remember looking in the mirror and desperately trying to squish the fat off my body. Maybe if I rake my nails across my skin, the fat will fall away and I will get to be beautiful. I stopped the destructive eating habits after realizing that I really was killing myself slowly. I broke down crying to my freshman year roommate and admitted that I thought I had an eating disorder and she agreed (she was the first person I ever said those words out loud to. The second was Camp Boy – two people I loved who left my life AND YOU WONDER WHY I HAVE TRUST ISSUES). That was roughly when my suicidal thoughts came to a head so I started seeing a counselor and a nutritionist through my schools wellness center. I had a full check-up with the nurse to make sure I wasn’t in any real physical danger and she and the nutritionist concluded that my body was breaking itself down. I needed to start eating like a living person or I may never fully recover. My muscles were virtually nonexistent because my body had been breaking them down so I could keep functioning. But I never looked ‘eating disorder thin’ so nobody knew. Lots of people suspected, I’m sure, but no one said anything to me because it’s easier to assume nothing is wrong than to ask hard questions. Ask hard questions. Ask yourself, ask the people you love. It’s all too easy to be a victim.