Anxiety Attacks

I’ve written about anxiety in the past and the kinds of anxiety attacks I personally suffer from but one kind I don’t like to talk about is rage.

I get angry, really really angry and I scream out of frustration at whatever may have caused it. And it’s hard to know what might cause my anxiety attacks and I know its hard for my friends to respond when I yell at them and pull away because I need space.

I hate driving, it gives me a lot of anxiety especially when I’m unfamiliar with the terrain and there are other people in the car (probably a perfectionism thing, it’s on my list to discuss with my psychologist). I drove friends home from a party the other night because it turned out I was the most sober at the end of the night and better safe than sorry, right? I was already irritated and tired and my intoxicated friends weren’t the most supportive as I missed turns and got lost. My anxiety built until I started crying and my friends must not have heard the frustration in my voice, they didn’t stop criticizing (nothing harsh or mean, just the light teasing that friends do). When someone did notice that I was crying, I was screamed at to stop the car. Maybe it seemed like I was endangering my friends, it hardly mattered, my anxiety had already spiraled:

These people didn’t care about me, I was a stupid failure that couldn’t do a damn thing right and I was deluding myself if I thought I got to have friends and go to parties like normal college students. I’m not as pretty and funny as these people and it hardly matters anyway. I screamed and cried in front of strangers and I’m sure I’ll never be asked to help again because I’m too dangerous.  I’m not suicidal, just tired of feeling less-than.

But today is brighter and I know that when the stress of finals is over and I talk to my lovely doctor again, I’ll feel better. I know it’s no one’s fault but my own and I’ll make amends when I’ve gotten more rest.

Anxiety attacks aren’t always gentle tears and hyperventilating, some times they’re scarier and don’t seem like anxiety at all. I have less of a point than usual, I just needed some catharsis.