The Life of a Mourning Dove

I had a friend say this to me when I mentioned that I had anxiety and depression – he was genuinely shocked that someone as ‘happy’ as me could be depressed. Happiness does not cancel out depression and vice versa. Happiness does not cancel out depression and vice versa. Crazy, I know, but true. Depression isn’t sadness, it’s a chemical imbalance in my stupid brain (I don’t mean that, I have exams coming up please don’t hate me brain). Sadness, apathy and all the fun (not fun) stuff that come with depression are a side effect that I’m learning to control. I’m teaching my brain to be nicer to itself and I’ll work out of it with a healthy dose of meds and therapy and kindness to myself. I like to think I’m a relatively happy person and I guess that’s my point – I am happy and I have depression. Anybody, happy or sad, can have depression – it doesn’t discriminate (which kind of sucks – wouldn’t it be really cool if only the people who were really, visibly sad all the time had depression? Instead of totally happy, well-functioning people? It would be so much easier to help people if you could tell just by looking at them). Be nice to people and ask them if they’re okay if you’re worried about them. Don’t be afraid to care about people and always take care of yourself.

I’ve gone almost two years without any really terrible anxiety attacks or depressive spirals (one of my favorite bloggers from Hyperbole and a Half refers to these incidents as ‘sneaky hate spirals’ and I couldn’t agree more) but I’ve been having some setbacks lately. I had a very scary panic attack a week or so ago where I was, quite literally, hyperventilating in a corner on the floor. My hands and eyelids seized and I couldn’t breathe. Those kinds of things are utterly exhausting but they generally induce so much anxiety that I can’t sleep (another example of how much my body hates me) but it’s okay. It would be really cool if every single day I felt a bit less anxious and a bit less depressed and that once I’ve gained some ground, I never lose it. But life doesn’t work that way so I’m trying to make my peace with that.

My boyfriend of a year and a half (nearly) broke up with me a month ago and I still haven’t recovered. My depression/anxiety has been amplified by my suck-y personal circumstances and has turned my coping mechanisms upside down. I went to him for everything and he made my good days amazing and my bad days better. It’s been hard. I don’t think I’ll be completely ‘okay’ for some time but I am surviving. I’m trying to follow my own advice and stay busy and find the good and talk to the people who love me because they’re only trying to help. I have been in a giant, completely awful set back that completely sucks but it’s not the end. I’ll make it out of this cloud eventually and you can too (I would apologize for the very personal turn this took but I feel like you guys are used to it).

Caring about someone with anxiety and depression is about as exhausting as having anxiety or depression. I was asked recently by a dear friend what I thought parents, friends, etc. could do to help the people they love get better/feel better and I do have some thoughts on the situation (shocking, I know).

Love and support them no matter what and remind them of that every chance you can. Remind them that they are an amazing person no matter what scary things are happening in their head. And ask. Ask them when they feel okay what they want when they feel less okay. What works for me may not work for someone else – just make sure that whoever you’re talking to is in a good enough headspace to talk about it. Sometimes I can’t engage in a conversation about my mental illness because sometimes it just seems too overwhelming – those times are not the best times to talk to me about it. Open up a conversation and understand that some things will be too hard to talk about and try not to take anything personally. This is about them, not you. Don’t blame yourself. Apologize and let them apologize. Encourage them to seek help, help them get over their own issues with meds and therapy (USE A CRUTCH IF YOU NEED IT – THERE IS NO SHAME) and love them even if they disagree with you.

I am always happy to answer questions as best I can – email me or go to the contact link on this site. I’m not 100% sure how it works but that’s kind of how I’m doing my life so what else is new!

I think there are a lot of people who don’t feel ‘worthy’ of a mental illness that have it. By this I mean that you think you’ve got problems but they aren’t as bad as someones with depression. I thought that! I said that when I talked to a doctor for the first time, I was terrified that she would tell me I was just being melodramatic.  Hell, when I was in the hospital because I was thinking about suicide so much I had a panic attack, I didn’t think I ‘deserved’ to be there. There had to be someone who had a problem so much worse than mine. And while that’s probably true, it doesn’t mean that what I was feeling wasn’t valid. Do you think about suicide? Even in a passive, ‘wouldn’t it be easier if I got hit by a car or struck by lightening?’ Do you cry so much you can’t breathe for almost no reason? Do the littlest things push you over the edge, does that make you feel crazy? Are you exhausted just by existing? I can’t diagnose you, but maybe you should talk to someone. It doesn’t even need to a licensed therapist, just talk to someone you trust. Don’t lie to the people who love you. Maybe you’ll work through whatever you’re feeling on your own with time. Maybe you’re grieving. I lost my grandmother after a year of knowing she could die any day at the age of twenty. That didn’t make it easier. I miss her so much and if I wasn’t already a little screw-y in the head, her death would’ve done it. Just because your feelings were or weren’t brought on by something doesn’t make them any more or less valid. You are allowed to feel however you’re feeling. You know if you’re suicidal. You may think that it’s okay because you’d never actually do anything about it but you shouldn’t live your life wishing you were dead. No one deserves that. Find someone to talk to. I Talk to your pet, your God, or whoever else is listening even if they can’t respond. Get words out – spend time thinking about how you feel. It can sound sissy or like some of that ‘special snowflake’ bullshit but take care of yourself. Feel the things you feel and think the things you think, don’t let yourself get bogged down by an archaic definition of strength. I cry when I get yelled at and sometimes getting out of bed is too hard and I am strong. Morgan the Happy is kicking ass every damn day and I am strong. I am sick and I am strong. I am both and you can be too. If you think you might be sick, you might be and you need to find a way to live. Please, for the both of us.

My mental health has been in a tenuous place recently and I’ve struggled to stay positive. I talked to my psychologist because she is actually trained to help people through that kind of thing (crazy, I know). She told me to get enough sleep, eat enough, and get regular exercise – three things that I find particularly difficult when I’m especially depressed. But I put all my energy into sleeping regularly, eating when I’m supposed to, and getting some exercise and you know, it helps a lot. I try to go for a jog when I’m feeling up to it, my campus has a beautiful walking trail by a nature preserve, and being out in the sun brightens my mood a bit. Sunlight has always done that for me and apparently that’s true of most people!

I talked to my psychiatrist last winter and when I said my mood had been poor, she told me I probably wasn’t getting enough vitamin D so I started taking a vitamin supplement. Not a prescription or anything, just what you can buy at the drugstore – and it helps. I guess my point here is that you should take care of yourself. It’s not the answer to mental illness struggles but it levels the playing field a little bit. You need to be strong enough to fight the scary stuff in your head and sometimes it’s easier to strengthen the body than the mind. Do what you gotta do, I believe in you!

Somedays are hard and sometimes life is hard. I’m still here though and you’re still here. That’s a victory and I can’t put into words how proud I am of us. We’re in this together and we can get through anything if we lean on each other when we can’t do it alone. I’ve been doing a lot of leaning the past couple days and I’m so thankful for my wonderful family, my amazing psychologist, and my fantastic roommates. I will be here for my family and my friends whenever they need me and I’m here for all of you if you need to borrow some strength. Sometimes it is easier to lift someone else’s pain than your own and I am here to lift some of your pain if I can. So many wonderful people have helped lift my pain and pull me out of my depression and instead of feeling guilty or in debt, I will just feel grateful and wait until I can return the favor. Let people love you, friends, and give people the love and light you have in your soul.

Next week I hope to have a more concrete post but until then, find the light.

 

 

I don’t know if this is something I should even address BUT HERE WE GO. I have said that I don’t follow any particular religion and that I believe in love and the goodness of the universe (I am aware that it sounds cheesy but I like it). I have tethered myself to the belief that the universe is good and that humanity is good and that helps me a lot. I’m sure for those of you who believe in some higher power that tethering yourself to that is what’s best for you. If it is, carry on! If you believe in the Christian God and in the righteousness of Him, let Him guide you to healing (I grew up in Ohio guys, I don’t know much about any other religions BUT THEY ARE ALL VALID). Let whatever higher power you believe in guide you to what is right. He/She/They have not forsaken you. I find comfort in the love I have for my family and friends and all of the goodness they bring into the world. There are so many people out there that do horrible things but I believe they are the minority, I believe that happiness and love and light are stronger than the darkness. I find myself in a personal darkness that feels too heavy for me to lift alone because of all the painful things happening in the world now. I am clinging to the idea that people are good. Donald Trump may not be doing much for the people of Puerto Rico but I know so many people that have gone out of their way to start funds and collections for the victims. I know that awful man murdered so many wonderful people and injured so many more and that it doesn’t seem like our government is doing much to end gun violence, but there are so many stories of people helping people in the wake of these tragedies. Find the good. Wrap yourself in the good until all of you have left of the bad is the determination to change our world for the better. 

I’m still in a personal fog of depression so I’m not entirely sure if what I’m writing makes any sense but I’m going to keep writing anyway

But it can get better. I wrote this when I was feeling powerfully vulnerable and I need that today, maybe you do to.

She stands alone, her face tear stained and her long hair in disarray. She faces a monster, one larger and far more powerful than she could ever hope to be. She is not deterred. Her eyes flash with determination and she raises her sword.

Morgan the Happy will survive this fight. She may be alone in this war but that is only because the battle takes place on a field where no one else may go. She is armed with a shield and sword forged from the love and support of those around her and she carries the power of sheer joy in her heart.

Depression the Exhausting, Anxiety the Terrifying, and Anorexia the Liar may be strong, but they cannot defeat her. Some days they may push her back a step or two but she always regains her ground. She is stronger than they are.

One night they almost won. She was crushed beneath the weight of them and it seemed there was no light or love left to save her but Anxiety the Terrifying changed sides long enough to push the others back until dawn could wipe away her tears. Truly, Anxiety the Terrifying was only ever trying to help her. He never understood why she took his warnings with so much pain. He was trying to protect her, to save her from any pain. He never meant to to add to the weight crushing her soul. When he watched her, nearly disappearing into nothingness, he pushed back when she did not have the strength and saved her, for the night.

She was spared that night and chose to fight from then on. She took her mothers courage, her sisters joy, her fathers balance, her brothers optimism, and her grandmothers spirit to this battle. Her cousins resilience, her friends fervor, and her boyfriends light joined her in this war. She was not alone, she was never alone.

Depression the Exhausting strikes first. He pushes apathy onto her.

Why? Why does it matter? Did it ever matter? Does anyone really care about you? Sure, they’d be sad for a bit but wouldn’t they be better off if you were gone?

She strikes back with a resounding,

No. The world is full of magic and wonder and it is better because I am here. I love and am loved. I will not pass on my pain to others.

Depression the Exhausting subsides, but only for a moment.

You are a bother to your family. Your friends. You are a burden.

She, too, strikes back after but a moment.

How dare you. I bring light and love into the universe. To call me a burden to my family and friends is to call the wind a burden to the sea.

She fights with confidence and with acceptance. Her sword is made of the love she has for others and the love they have for her. Depression cannot destroy love. Not today.

Anorexia the Liar takes Depression the Exhausting’s place.

Look into the mirror. You are fat and disgusting and worthless. You can be beautiful if only you stop eating. Food is the enemy anyway, it stands in the way of your happiness.

Anorexia the Liar’s message seems better than that of Depression the Exhausting’s. But it is worse. Anorexia the Liar wants to kill Morgan the Happy, but much slower. Morgan the Happy knows better now and will not be seduced. 

No. I am beautiful. I am strong, and powerful, and beautiful. So incredibly beautiful no matter what size I am. Food helps me run and sing and dance. I love those things far more than I love being thin. I want to be stronger and more powerful than I am today. I do not want to be thinner than I am today. I refuse to make that a goal, now or ever.

Anorexia the Liar retreats this time but with a promise to return.

Anxiety the Terrifying and Well-Meaning asks,

But what if you aren’t strong enough tomorrow? What will you do then? How can you possibly hope to beat these things that are so much bigger than you?

Morgan the Happy smiles softly, exhausted from the days battle,

I am not alone. I will never be alone. When I am not strong enough, I have so much help. Fluoxetine offers itself as my crutch whenever Depression the Exhausting is too much, and until I can love the body I am in, the beauty others see in me can push Anorexia the Liar away. One day I will be strong enough to quiet even you, Anxiety the Terrifying and Well-Meaning. Until that day, I rely on the strength of others.

I’ve been in a depressive fog the last couple days and I had to remind myself that the world gets better. I wrote this to myself two years ago when I was just starting to figure out what recovery looked like.

It’s okay to not know, it’s okay to hide from what you do know and it’s okay. I promise. If you needed someone to tell you, this is it. Do things that you love, do things that make you happy and know it’s okay. It’s okay to feel hurt, it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay. Sleep, cry, eat, laugh, and find a way to live. One of my favorite bloggers writes that she is ‘broken and magical’ because you get to be both. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I couldn’t possibly be more sorry for you but please, please know you’re never alone. I’m okay. I never thought that I would be but I got here. I can’t promise you anything but I want you to be okay. I want it more than anything in the world. These aren’t just words. Try and have faith in whatever way you can. I’m not a particularly religious or spiritual person but I believe in love and in the goodness of the universe. So, I try to have faith in love and in the universe. Do what you can to spread love and healing and acceptance – start with yourself.

Medication! Another key factor in the wellness cocktail! I’m on meds and a vitamin D pill that I take every day and no one can make me feel bad about it. I’ve had a lot of people who love me express the idea that my antidepressants are just a con by the pharmaceutical industry. I don’t know if it is or not but my meds make me feel better. I hope that in the next year or two, I’ll be able to reduce the dose until I don’t need them at all anymore but I’ll use them as long as I need to. When someone breaks their leg they use a crutch until they can walk without pain anymore. My meds help me live without the pain my stupid brain thinks is necessary. You wouldn’t tell a kid with a broken leg that he should get off his crutches because they aren’t helping him. Sure, he could probably live without it but it would be painful and he wouldn’t heal as quickly as he would with it. My meds are the same way for me. I found the meds that worked for me pretty easily, (mostly because of my eating disorder-y past, I needed to be on a weight-neutral antidepressant otherwise my antidepressants would make me gain weight and I already have a shitty body image so we’re trying not to exacerbate the problem) but you should keep trying until you’re happy. You should feel like a person, a real whole one without a weight around your neck. If you feel better but not good on your meds, ask to have them upped. My meds helped me feel better but I was more stressed out when I went away to school so I had them upped so I could be happy. Happy is a vague concept but you’ll know it when it’s happening. Suddenly, you won’t feel like you’re a bother to everyone around you. You’ll wake up and get out of bed without issue (without the usual issue. I will never be a morning person). It’ll feel okay again. That’s when you’ll know. Some meds take longer than others and your psychiatrist will be far more equipped to answer questions and make decisions for you than I will. Again, speaking merely from experience not from any form of training.