Maybe You’re Not Okay

I think there are a lot of people who don’t feel ‘worthy’ of a mental illness that have it. By this I mean that you think you’ve got problems but they aren’t as bad as someones with depression. I thought that! I said that when I talked to a doctor for the first time, I was terrified that she would tell me I was just being melodramatic.  Hell, when I was in the hospital because I was thinking about suicide so much I had a panic attack, I didn’t think I ‘deserved’ to be there. There had to be someone who had a problem so much worse than mine. And while that’s probably true, it doesn’t mean that what I was feeling wasn’t valid. Do you think about suicide? Even in a passive, ‘wouldn’t it be easier if I got hit by a car or struck by lightening?’ Do you cry so much you can’t breathe for almost no reason? Do the littlest things push you over the edge, does that make you feel crazy? Are you exhausted just by existing? I can’t diagnose you, but maybe you should talk to someone. It doesn’t even need to a licensed therapist, just talk to someone you trust. Don’t lie to the people who love you. Maybe you’ll work through whatever you’re feeling on your own with time. Maybe you’re grieving. I lost my grandmother after a year of knowing she could die any day at the age of twenty. That didn’t make it easier. I miss her so much and if I wasn’t already a little screw-y in the head, her death would’ve done it. Just because your feelings were or weren’t brought on by something doesn’t make them any more or less valid. You are allowed to feel however you’re feeling. You know if you’re suicidal. You may think that it’s okay because you’d never actually do anything about it but you shouldn’t live your life wishing you were dead. No one deserves that. Find someone to talk to. I Talk to your pet, your God, or whoever else is listening even if they can’t respond. Get words out – spend time thinking about how you feel. It can sound sissy or like some of that ‘special snowflake’ bullshit but take care of yourself. Feel the things you feel and think the things you think, don’t let yourself get bogged down by an archaic definition of strength. I cry when I get yelled at and sometimes getting out of bed is too hard and I am strong. Morgan the Happy is kicking ass every damn day and I am strong. I am sick and I am strong. I am both and you can be too. If you think you might be sick, you might be and you need to find a way to live. Please, for the both of us.